Sunday, May 22, 2011

Borowitz Report: iPad prevents adultery

New and serious "research" uncovered by the Borowitz Report dated 19 May 2011, says that iPad owners are less likely to commit adultery “because they stop noticing other people altogether.”

The article here, goes on to say that the study, which was conducted on a sample of one thousand iPad owners, found that not only did iPad use make them thoroughly uninterested in extramarital sex, “their nonstop talking about the amazing features and apps on their iPads made them completely unattractive to potential sex partners as well.”

Being an iPad owner, I was both agreeing and offended by the article. Firstly, I thought being less likely to commit adultery was a good thing. However, the article was extremely discriminatory towards iPad owners since it would apply to all Tablet owners, unless, it supposes that potential iPad owners were more sexually promiscuous than the average Tablet owner before they bought the iPad.

Secondly, my wife notices me less when she's checking her facebook updates on her Macbook. So obviously, you become less sexually interested also when you're (1) on facebook and (2)using your Macbook. Although, if you're checking your facebook updates of your ex-girl/boyfriend, that would be very suspicious so this is obviously something very difficult to factor into any experiment or research study.

Thirdly, the sample size of 1000 iPad owners is extremely small, given that there are many more iPad owners than any other tablet in the market. And being an Asian, I suspect that the sample size wasn't reflective of the global ethnic demography. However, having checked the chinese app market, the higher than average rankings of tintillating apps/ebooks suggest that being Flash-unfriendly was definitely necessary in keeping Asian iPad owners on the straight and narrow.

In conclusion, given that Mcdonalds is required to put up warning labels on their paper cups regarding the dangers of hot fluids, there should then be a warning that pops up at 30 minute-intervals of iPad usage, reminding every iPad owner not to forget to spend a few minutes stretching, talking to your wife and kids and petting the family dog.

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